What Does It Mean To Be Brave? by Brittany Tilleman
What does it mean to be brave? I recently had a water purification ceremony, or water blessing, with the High Priestess of Bali, Ida Resi Alit, when I was visiting her village on my current trip here in Bali. During our conversation, I spoke of where I am on my spiritual journey, some of the hardships and questions I face, anxieties about the unknown, attempts to recover from post-traumatic stress, struggles with unhealthy coping mechanisms, and the illusory emotional “shit tornado” that I felt swept up in. She told me that what is most important is for me to focus on being clear, centered, and confident. “No matter what happens in life, you must be brave.” Of all of the incredible things she discussed with me, many of which I knew but she affirmed in all her grace and composure, the thing that kept me up when I returned to my village that evening, was “No matter what happens...you must be brave.”
What is going to happen that will require my bravery? The PTSD trigger clicked on. Fuck, a lot of people I know have been dying or hospitalized lately, climate change is causing our electric company to completely shut off power back home in the US today in hopes of sparing our neighborhoods from blazing up in flames, islands I love are sinking under water, deforestation, the poison of big pharma, massive issues with agribusiness… our poor world! And of course, the leader of my country is a total baboon’s ass (let’s face it, while I generally choose to be kind, this is pretty much common knowledge #FMP). Plus we have the corporate world crushing so many aspects of authentic cultural expression and many are damaging the world and our ideologies about the future with reckless abandon. Even the multi-billion dollar tech industry, which I am fairly heavily tapped into in the Bay Area, is throwing our entire global economy out of whack, so much so, that even those of us that are considered in the 1%, are seriously struggling to make ends meet living in that vicinity. Throw in confusing “news” and the threat of psychic attacks via posts on social media, hours of aggressive traffic every day, the increasing challenge of creating a work-life balance, and the quest to find true love, or at least not to die alone. There is no lack of anxiety-triggering topics to surface in our conscious mind.
In all honesty, I am very scared. Almost every day. And even if not palpably experiencing the dredge of paralyzing fear, there is always a subtle undercurrent of continuous (and probably contagious) anxiety. Will I get lymphoma from all the years I have on-and-off smoked? Will my past aggressive raving shorten my lifetime or possibly leaving me with Alzheimer’s? Will I be punished for exploiting my privilege and lavishly “wasting” money on enjoying the fruits of my labor instead of allocating that money to be free of debt, help my rather impoverished father, or send money to third-world orphanages? Will these mosquitos buzzing around me in Bali or even my own backyard in the Bay transmit some infectious disease with a sting that kills me? Or worse, someone in my family? Is Trump to be the crusader of our ultimate demise? This constant stream of worry is toxic enough to give anyone permission to get an unlimited supply of Ativan. But, is that TRULY the answer? (Or helpful, long term?)
How do I heal myself, or rather, my mind, so that I can stay clear, centered, and confident in my future and MY CHILD’s?
Today, I saw an Instagram post by Brene Brown, with a picture of a Post-It Note with the scribble “Doubling Down on Love. and it’s kicking my ass.” -BB. She discussed how she had been offline and the details of recent personal struggle and “multiple dust ups with the universe”. (YAY! I’m not the only one! …Only kidding. It’s hard not to be cynical these days, and that was the point of her post. As us ravers say: “LOVE HARDER”.) At the moment I was reading it, my six year old came up to me and said “Mom, I’m scared.” “Scared of what?” I replied. I had been giving her the hard educational talks the day prior about scary people, ways to attack strangers if you feel endangered, and even how to identify sexual misconduct. (Needless to say, I had multiple glasses of rose’ afterward.) “Are you scared of strangers in this new place?” “No it’s not that,” she rolled her eyes innocently, “it’s the bang bang noise outside.” “Oh honey, that’s construction on the family compound across the street. No need to be scared. But, of course, please tell me whenever you feel scared. I can give you a hug and we can talk.” (Did I handle that right?) She stood there for a moment looking pensive and stated “In order to be brave, you have to be scared first.” WOW. “Where did you learn that?” “From Pete the Cat.” Impressive. Glad to know the digital babysitter is actually teaching her valuable lessons. Smart cat. I commented on Brene Brown’s post with exactly that quote she told me. Fraidy-cat’s transcendence into bravery. Maybe I should watch this cartoon.
So as we left our little villa down the decrepit alley, stumbling over broken pieces of sidewalk, covering our mouths to inhale less exhaust, ducking from the dehydrating and blinding sun, and jumping from the startling sounds of honking taxis, we set off to attempt our first separation after 10 days in paradise; I was planning to leave my baby girl at a nearby kid’s club, craving some time to be alone and get some creative juices flowing (which is very difficult to do, when you hear “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! every 220 seconds). I was talking myself off the ledge on the way. This is a nice hotel, you are paying double hourly rates to put her in a safe place, it has great ratings on Trip Advisor, CHILL OUT. “But because it’s a nice resort, it could be the target of a terrorist attack?” Shut up, you asshole crazy-making mind, go slurp down a mojito so I can get to work! (Granted, I haven’t even left the premises yet, I am at the hotel bar, eating a salad, and yes drinking a mojito, but I did SEPARATE without ANXIETY, which is huge -especially being in another country solo, us ladies.)
Am I being brave? What is bravery? Going to war to defend your country. Standing up for what you believe in, even in the face of potential peril. Speaking your mind in front of an audience. Quitting your job, to follow your dreams. Leaving your relationship of convenience when it’s not true love. Going abroad alone for your first time. Most anything you do for the first time, am I right? (Well, many things. I know diving into my first box of French macarons was anything but brave; it was decadent!) Labor and giving birth... Here we are talking about ACTS OF BRAVERY. And while acts of bravery, are often heroic, or at the very least admirable, it truly is the mental processing that gives birth to bravery itself. How do we learn to be brave? Examples are all around us, every day, in the news or in our neighbor. But how do we wake up today and the next and the days to follow exuding and exercising bravery?
Paul Chernyak, LPC on wikihow.com, in an article, How To Be Brave, writes that “Bravery isn’t something you are born with - you acquire it over time as you gain life experiences. You can practice being brave by acting on what your heart tells you to do and challenging yourself with new experiences, even when you’re afraid.” Paul, you’re definitely on to something. The article lists some steps, which I will bullet point here, as I think they are actually valuable tips in this roadmap to bravery:
PART ONE: ACCEPTING WHERE YOU ARE
Admit that you’re scared.
Validate your feelings.
Name your fear.
Examine your fears. (This is a good one!)
Accept vulnerability (Just ask Brene Brown about this topic.)
Focus on what you can control. (Very good advice)
PART TWO: ACCEPTING WHERE YOU ARE
Find a role model
Develop mental resilience.
Challenge negative thoughts. (I learned this in an anxiety group at Kaiser. It is very practical advice.)
Reject perfectionism.
Start every day with self-affirmations (Today I am brave. I am devoted to showing up and being present in my journey.)
Distance yourself from your fears. (We are coming back to this. I want to learn more)
Ask your friends for help. (Or close family, of course.)
Attempt difficult tasks
Practice Mindfulness (If you need tips, check out Thich Naht Hahn
PART THREE: PRACTICING BRAVERY EVERY DAY
Practice accepting uncertainty (My new mantra!)
Make specific plans - "It’s easy to feel afraid when you don’t know what you need to do. Break down challenges…into smaller tasks.”
Choose to help others
Be brave for 20 seconds (A manageable request)
Consider your decision (In other words, think it over before you dive into the bravery pool.)
Don’t think - act (Well, seems a bit contradicting to the advice above, but one of them should work in any given situation, ha!)
Fake it till you make it.
Helpful advice. Thanks m.WikiHow.com!
So back to Part One, #6: Distance yourself from your fears. While I will spare you the rather unmoving examples in the article, I will share that what I learned from this section, is that seeing your fear as something separate from you and using visualization to create some mental imagery or a made up story to allow your fear to lose it’s looming power, can be incredibly helpful. i have heard some advice from a friend that was going to go on a psyllocibin (psychedelic mushroom) trip guided by a therapist, that he was advised if he was confronted by any dragons or scary demonic figures, to face his fear and go towards these terrifying figures and ask them why they are there or to show their power. He said, most often they turn around and leave or give you a gift from facing your fear, in which you learn something deeply profound about your psyche. Hmmmm, I think that can be applied here. Most of us have had more than one experience where we felt terrified leading up to something we had built up so strongly in our minds, but once we actually came to embarking on the experience of it, the fear melted away being replaced by the reality of the experience, which is often rewarding, and we ask ourselves “Why was I so overcome with fear?” I think it is helpful to try to remember some of these personal experiences. Or think about the “bad” things that have happened in your life. Reflecting on them, were there valuable lessons learned? Even if painful, did you somehow grow and learn more about yourself, your desires, the world around you, or even your capacity for love, forgiveness, or letting go? Fear is an incredible teacher.
Yet, here I am in Bali, my true paradise, grappling with fears still. Anxiety coming and going like the tide down below. While there is such good advice in this abridged article above from WikiHow, and likely a bajillion more online (as this was only the first one on Google that I opened, thanks to SEO), I will simplify a version for myself.
My new mantra: “I AM BRAVE”.
Asking my anxiety “Why are you hear?”
Paying attentions to patterns or triggers of fear for self-analysis.
Reframing my fears.
Facing my fears. To Jussss Do Itttttt.
Acknowledging the outcome of facing my fears and acting BRAVE. (I think this encompasses a few of the bullet points above.
Can I allow myself enjoyment in the separation from my daughter, trusting that the kids club, and the universe, will protect her in my absence? Yes, I think I can. I am!
Will I go out at the fancy Potato Head beach club down the road donning a bikini, even though I am personally horrified by the existence of my sagging mom boobs and flabby body? I think I can be brave. Or, maybe next time? Undecided.
Should I publish this article on The Waking Hour, and put myself out there, vulnerabilities, fears, and all. Hell Yes!
Will I play a game of chicken and jump out in front of this mob of motorbikes playing a game of Frogger to cross the street to the beach club? Fuck No!
Everything within reason, right? Listening to my inner guidance system, taking baby steps with presence and clarity, let’s see how brave I can be. inspired? I hope, even a little. Feel free to try this at home. Get back to me with comments, suggestions, and inspo.
In the meantime, I will get some more liquid courage, since it’s now happy hour, enjoy another mojito in paradise, and see if I can dare to dawn that ‘kini in search of a good time.
Yours truly,
The Nomadic Mama, Brittany